BIRTHDAYS! :)

so in the month of sepetember there have been an abundance of birthdays!!! between cathy, rusty, louie, and tonya at work and angela and of course shannon and kristin's 21st birthdays... it all just sort of ran together. so matt's 9th birthday was on today (the 3rd) but because he has tae kwon do on wednesday nights we decided to have his birthday last night. the WHOLE family went to shogun. matt having never been there was pretty darn excited. One of those places where they cook in front of you. (makes me think of rodney) but anyways. dinner was WONDERFUL as you can see from the empty plates in this picture.

dad sent me to wal mart to pick up matt a cake.. and i am not a wal mart cake fan.. so instead he got a cookie cake with icing. :)
Aunt Renee gave him some money. and he wanted everyone to know. and this is his fake surprise face. hahaha.

but school is in full swing and i am not. I feel like i am just stuck in a rut and want to move ahead but just can't. i want to be successful and i want to be done as soon as possible, but i wonder how in over my head am i? real estate classes have been put on hold but i must find the time to do them becuase i only get a certain amount of time to do them in. I know I will be done eventually but I feel like it is too much right now. Next semester I do not intend on taking this many classes. I am not taking an abundance of classes but it sure feels like it.
I want to grow up and I want to an adult but I want to be a kid also. UGHH. I guess every person goes through this sometime. I will just push through. I can tell myself I can do it and just buckle down and do it.

Things with my mother really have not changed. I rarely speak to her. Which saddens me to a point but then I think do I really want to talk to her all that much. Because everytime I do it just makes things even harder on myself. I want so bad for things to go back to the way she and I were before all of this but I know that will never happen. She and I will never have the relationship we once had. We used to be best friends. And as terrible as it sounds.. I think... what will happen at my wedding? do I want her there? will she pull a stunt? No I am not getting married anytime soon but I wonder about those things. How will I deal with that when the time does come? I hate that it has been this way but it is so hard for me to trust her. I can't do it. And now with my grandmother gone I have no intermediary. I could tell her things and she could tell me and it would be better but now with her gone I don't know what to do. Life has just been so crazy and with all of this on my mind I do not want it to be an excuse but sometimes I just can't help it. I try to pretend like it will just be ok and that I am fine but it really keeps running through my mind. I hate to burden other people with my problems because I don't want them to know or some of them just won't listen but it is hard keeping it all in. I cannot afford to seek professional help but I think maybe that would help. But we will see in time what happen. Will I keep going the way I am going and be fine or will I break down?

But through all of that I do try and be a happy person. I want to keep the positves in my life. I am genuinely a HAPPY person. I love to laugh and smile. I guess we will see in time. :)