dad sent me to wal mart to pick up matt a cake.. and i am not a wal mart cake fan.. so instead he got a cookie cake with icing. :) 
Aunt Renee gave him some money. and he wanted everyone to know. and this is his fake surprise face. hahaha. but school is in full swing and i am not. I feel like i am just stuck in a rut and want to move ahead but just can't. i want to be successful and i want to be done as soon as possible, but i wonder how in over my head am i? real estate classes have been put on hold but i must find the time to do them becuase i only get a certain amount of time to do them in. I know I will be done eventually but I feel like it is too much right now. Next semester I do not intend on taking this many classes. I am not taking an abundance of classes but it sure feels like it.
I want to grow up and I want to an adult but I want to be a kid also. UGHH. I guess every person goes through this sometime. I will just push through. I can tell myself I can do it and just buckle down and do it.
Things with my mother really have not changed. I rarely speak to her. Which saddens me to a point but then I think do I really want to talk to her all that much. Because everytime I do it just makes things even harder on myself. I want so bad for things to go back to the way she and I were before all of this but I know that will never happen. She and I will never have the relationship we once had. We used to be best friends. And as terrible as it sounds.. I think... what will happen at my wedding? do I want her there? will she pull a stunt? No I am not getting married anytime soon but I wonder about those things. How will I deal with that when the time does come? I hate that it has been this way but it is so hard for me to trust her. I can't do it. And now with my grandmother gone I have no intermediary. I could tell her things and she could tell me and it would be better but now with her gone I don't know what to do. Life has just been so crazy and with all of this on my mind I do not want it to be an excuse but sometimes I just can't help it. I try to pretend like it will just be ok and that I am fine but it really keeps running through my mind. I hate to burden other people with my problems because I don't want them to know or some of them just won't listen but it is hard keeping it all in. I cannot afford to seek professional help but I think maybe that would help. But we will see in time what happen. Will I keep going the way I am going and be fine or will I break down?
But through all of that I do try and be a happy person. I want to keep the positves in my life. I am genuinely a HAPPY person. I love to laugh and smile. I guess we will see in time. :)
