and the beat goes on..

Yea., well, it has been over two months since I blogged last. I guess I didn't do it because I didn't feel like I had much to say. But now that I am thinking about it, this is kinda a good stress reliever to get all my thoughts out there, and to no one inparticular.

So, what three weeks til Christmas now?!? I am very excited for this year. I am ready for the kids to wake up in the morning and rush down and see want santa has brought them. I treasure every happy moment I have with those two. I am their sister, but sometimes I feel like an aunt because I am so much older than they are. I just love them so much. Matt, who is ADHD and Kaci, ADD, have their problems but on the rare occasions that we all do get along it is amazing. Dad and I had a heart to heart the other night about Matt. The medicine that he is taking now is making him angry and very stressful on the family. They went back to the doctor and he has decided that maybe Matt might need and anti-depressant. This scares me. He is only 9! I mean, yes he does have some anger problems but I don't think it is depression. I have never been to one of these sessions with dad and matt and have never met the doctor but I am skeptical. We looked up online a doctor from California that speacializes in 5 different types of ADHD and one of his treatments is with anti-depressants. I don't know what to think. I want my little brother to be ok but I don't know how extreme this really is. I know that in our lives we should be thankful for the things we are given and should try to look toward the goodness but it seems so hard to right now. Yes, I am thankful for my family and my friends. I pray that he will be alright and I don't know how to help him. I want to do things with him and take him out and do things but it always ends up in a fight. It is just so hard. He has his moments where he is great! I love his sense of humor and whenever he and kaci are not around eacher other, he is usually a very good child. But I am not sure if she annoys him that much or if he just really can't take it.

But for now I will be thankful for the many blessings that I have. Christmas is a time to celebrate loved ones and I fully plan on doing just that. :)

BIRTHDAYS! :)

so in the month of sepetember there have been an abundance of birthdays!!! between cathy, rusty, louie, and tonya at work and angela and of course shannon and kristin's 21st birthdays... it all just sort of ran together. so matt's 9th birthday was on today (the 3rd) but because he has tae kwon do on wednesday nights we decided to have his birthday last night. the WHOLE family went to shogun. matt having never been there was pretty darn excited. One of those places where they cook in front of you. (makes me think of rodney) but anyways. dinner was WONDERFUL as you can see from the empty plates in this picture.

dad sent me to wal mart to pick up matt a cake.. and i am not a wal mart cake fan.. so instead he got a cookie cake with icing. :)
Aunt Renee gave him some money. and he wanted everyone to know. and this is his fake surprise face. hahaha.

but school is in full swing and i am not. I feel like i am just stuck in a rut and want to move ahead but just can't. i want to be successful and i want to be done as soon as possible, but i wonder how in over my head am i? real estate classes have been put on hold but i must find the time to do them becuase i only get a certain amount of time to do them in. I know I will be done eventually but I feel like it is too much right now. Next semester I do not intend on taking this many classes. I am not taking an abundance of classes but it sure feels like it.
I want to grow up and I want to an adult but I want to be a kid also. UGHH. I guess every person goes through this sometime. I will just push through. I can tell myself I can do it and just buckle down and do it.

Things with my mother really have not changed. I rarely speak to her. Which saddens me to a point but then I think do I really want to talk to her all that much. Because everytime I do it just makes things even harder on myself. I want so bad for things to go back to the way she and I were before all of this but I know that will never happen. She and I will never have the relationship we once had. We used to be best friends. And as terrible as it sounds.. I think... what will happen at my wedding? do I want her there? will she pull a stunt? No I am not getting married anytime soon but I wonder about those things. How will I deal with that when the time does come? I hate that it has been this way but it is so hard for me to trust her. I can't do it. And now with my grandmother gone I have no intermediary. I could tell her things and she could tell me and it would be better but now with her gone I don't know what to do. Life has just been so crazy and with all of this on my mind I do not want it to be an excuse but sometimes I just can't help it. I try to pretend like it will just be ok and that I am fine but it really keeps running through my mind. I hate to burden other people with my problems because I don't want them to know or some of them just won't listen but it is hard keeping it all in. I cannot afford to seek professional help but I think maybe that would help. But we will see in time what happen. Will I keep going the way I am going and be fine or will I break down?

But through all of that I do try and be a happy person. I want to keep the positves in my life. I am genuinely a HAPPY person. I love to laugh and smile. I guess we will see in time. :)

back to school...

wow. i have been absent for a while again but hey, it's been busy. I started my first day of official class at Commerce yesterday. Four classes from 8 in the morning til almost 2. I hope I can make it. So far (as of the syllabus in all my classes) none of my tests will be on the same days so I guess my teachers felt sorry for us.

But in other news. We got a new dog. Well we have been supposed to be getting this dog for over a month now but just haven't been able to meet up and get the dog from the breeder. But I kept the kids saturday mornging until about lunch on Sunday. And we all three got up at 6! to go get the dog and of course they didn't want to go back to sleep. I do have to say he is one of the cutest dogs ever, well that and he is my dog! He is a basset hound named Harley. Angela got him a collar that says "Bad to the Bone" with a harley davidson logo on it. SO CUTE! I will get pictures on here as soon as I get them on my laptop.

Well, I really miss one of my best friends. I think she has been gone about three weeks to a month but gosh it feel longer! She is coming home next weekend and I am taking her to lunch for her birthday! Well, not her actual birthday but it's as close as we can get it. Not sure on what kind of present to get her but her surely I can think of... SOMETHING! :)

Well.. I gotta get back to some real estate studying.

CRAZINESSS...

welll well well, quite a while since i have written. still no pictures because my computer at work is extremely ghetto and does not even have a usb port. but i digress. Kristin and I had our last supper/hanging out time last night. I am leaving tomorrow to spend 4 days in San Antonio and she is leaving EARLY monday morning to go back to Arkadelphia for summer band. I am so going to miss her. She and I have gotten so close again this summer.. or well since chrismas actually. it was strange how we went from hardly ever talking to being great friends again. but i am very glad we did. She has helped me through so much this past 6 months.. i am so thankful that I have a friend like her in my life. I saw the commercial that said which friends were your partying buddies and then the moving day buddies. and then it said whcih one would be your friend if you had a mental illness. she is that friend. well neither of us have a mental illness... well you might think that we did if you heard our extremely random conversations. I think we freaked cameron out a little bit. but that's ok. haha.

tomorrow we are leaving to go to San Antonio for a few days with the family. sea world.. WOO HOO! i will be sure to take plenty of picturess.. mostly of the kiddies. haha. i know we will have a big time on the riverwalk... YEA!

it's been a while

wow. so i just realized how long it has been since i last wrote! i have been extremely busy! but that is no excuse! last week was my 20th birthday.. very exciting! :) so to start off the weeks worth of festivities. LAST saturday night i spend the night with kristin and cameron came over and we watched prime and played twister (like we were 10 again) but it was so much fun! then sunday i went to church with kristin and then picked up bmo and headed out to the lake to hang out with kristin and float. i didn't wear sun screen cause i didn't think we would be gone that long.. but of course we were.
on monday kristin took me out to eat for my birthday. we went to chilis and had our usual of cajum shrimp pasta and chicken crispers. she got me a hillarious card and the coolest sack ever! it sang! and it sang celebration! it was filled with great goodies of sour patch kids, mini uno cards, a crown (which i specificially asked for) thanks kristin, and many many other things! after our large dinner we went to braums for ice cream which made it even better.
tuesday was my actual birthday. we had pot luck at lunch at work. that's always a good day because we have some pretty good cooks up her! i brought my famour broccoli and rice casserole! yumm.. and all of it was gone! good day! that night dad cooked hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill and shannon, tate, and bmo, and papa bill, and aunt renee all came out to celebrate... we had a good time!
the rest of the week til friday ran as usual.
friday i took off work to go shopping with shannon and shelly. we went to mesquite and i got a new pair of jeans and a few tshirts just to wear to class ebcause i will be gone practially the entire day. we also ate at our all time favorite restraunt. olive garden. i want to know what they put in their dressing because it's about the greatest there is! we didn't get back to town til about five so that night we all setteled in at randy and shellys to watch a movie.
saturday i slept in (for the first time in a while). when i finally got up I went to the gym to work out and to tan. and when i got home i washed my car since we were taking it canoeing on sunday. i finally took a shower and got ready because myself, bmo, dad, and matt were all going over to frisco to watch ther rough riders play baseball. if you don't know, the rough riders are the AA minor league team of the texas rangers. and since the rangers can't seem to win we decided to go over there. turns out since we didn't purchase tickets beforehand we had to sit in the grass in the outfield, which didn't turn out too bad actually. no home runs but bmo and i made friends with the left fielder. :) steve murphy. haha. when we finally got back it was around midnight so i called it a night cause i knew we had a big day coming up!
SUNDAY! sunday i woke up nice and early cause we were leaving at 11 to head to oklahoma canoeing. shannon called around nine and asked if i could come help her walk dogs at cooters vets office since he was running behind. so she and i walked about 6 dogs and then we finally got all of us together and headed out! 8 people total in the bus! bmo and i were canoeing partners and we never tumped over but hey thats good! we did both fall out haha.. and i am sure today but it was so much fun! it took us about 4 to 5 hours to get down the river. and my oak broke twice! but it was still a good day!

borad games!

so. kristin, cameron, and i have our weekly board night which usually consists of monopoly but last night we conviced laura to come over so we could team up to play cranium. i have never played cranium and of course i was lost and with cameron as my partner it didn't help when he couldn't guess lifeguard! GRR! haha. but it was fun and him humming she's a brick house! hillarious! after kristin and laura had won we switched partners and laura and i did well. I even guessed walter kronkite with one clue! GO ME! but i had just watched the e true hollywood story of jfk so it was fresh on my mind. it was fun! then of course we had to take a break for the singing bee. this weeks show did not impress me and the lady who was the final winner was not fun to watch! she needed some support kristin decided. the contestant from last week was hillarious! so my hopes are still good for the singing bee i guess. :) oh. i almost forgot. we watched america's got talent (on mute) while we were playing our game becuase i was excited about seeing cas. but of course there were only 10 performers last night so i guess he will be on tonight. kristin, laura, and i did find some pretty good entertainment. there were four boys. well mid twenties i am guessing and they did dancing/kong fu fighting with flips and kicks. we were quite interested. then the shirts came off. i think i voted 5 times for them. WOO! but then i had my trek back to paris. i hate driving home! why is paris so far from clarksville. don't get me wrong. it's only thirty minutes but ugh. i am so tired about blossom.. but when i got home the kids were still awake! my goodness! they should have seriosly been sleeping! but i surely did not want to watch halloweentown before going to bed! GRR! but that's all i have to say about that.

stupid boys.

ok so. shannon tells me i am too picky when it comes to guys. i know this. i have never decided on what i want. i just know i know what i don't want. progress right? well. i have figured out why i am so picky. becuse everytimei let myself get a little attached to a guy something happens and he wants to be stupid and not date. i knew it would be hard with tray considering we started talking the day before he left to travel welding for work. well things were good for week. we talked every day. and things were fine and then he started calling me baby. WHAT? i am not fan of pet names. and then he calls me that after not even one week. please. so i hardly talked to him on saturday and then sunday he texts and says he doesn't want a girlfriend. yes. i knew it would be hard but don't tell me you want to settle down and have a girlfriend and then not the NEXT DAY! goodness. so this morning he texts me to apologize and keeps saying "i never meant to hurt you" UGH! you didn't. you are just another dumb boy with the same dumb problems as all the rest of them. i wish someone would tell me where they found their good guys cause i am sure looking the wrong places!

randomnesss....

fire works! i had forgotten i had no fireworks pictures. but this is the only one i am going to put on here. it's the prettiest. and there is also one of dad as he lit about 6 bottle rockets attached together and they never took off.. just sort of exploded in the garss. but no one was hurt and matt that it looked pretty cool. this is shannon. she is quite hillarious. as you can tell. we are headed to justin and maranda's wedding here. and she just so happens to love those pink shades!

saturday night i was invited to take pictures at The Depot of a new band since the place was opening up this week. Everything looks amazing and the atmostphere is great. If you are of age you should go check it out. Plus the Bistro is open 7 days a week!

after our trip to the depot shannon and i headed out to blossosm to the mud boggs. a place where some genius said "hey with all this rain let's run the waterhose out there and just see how muddy we can get it.. and then let all the rednecks in red river and lamar counties see how bad they can get their trucks stuck." well.. they did a pretty dang good job. haha. it was quite entertaining. some people were mud wrestling. but otherwise a good night.

so sunday after my long night at the mud olympics, i went to church with kristin and then we had game night at her house. we have been wanting to play monopoly so cameron brought it over. of course kristin and i talked alot of smack and cameron ending up winning with his stupid hotels and houses! GRR! but then we played scrabble and i won so it all was good.

last night, wednesday, i was staying at renee's house so cameron and kristin came over and we cook spaghetti and were going to play board games.. again. as we were cooking cameron randomly runs into a wall and breaks a candle holder. thanks alot CAMERON! but it was cleaned up and i still feel kind of bad.. ugh. but anywho. we ate and i mad the best garlic bread ever.. if i do say so myself! props to kristn for finding it. OH YES! in wal mart there is NO GARLIC BREAD! appreantly cicis ran out or soemthing. WHO WOULD TAKE ALL THE GARLIC BREAD! but we carried on and made our home made which was better i think. cameron wasn't fond of my crusty bread, but i dug it.

we got side tracked watching america's got talent, CAS HALEY MADE THE TOP 20! WAHOO!. and then we made cameron watch the singing bee. :) and then we had to compare it to don't forget the lyrics. i really like the singing bee better. the kristin and i put cameron through torture from last comic standing. i have to say it's one of the greatest shows EVER. "BOOTS! make me look like alabama going to the grammy's in 1982!" extremely random. but krstin and i have some really random comedy quotes. and they all went over camerons head which made it even more funny!

post candle holder breaking but we are all smiles. TATA FOR NOW!

ok. it's official. i don't want to be an adult. i want to be able to do the kids things i guess. i am not ready for the responsibility that i have coming my way right now. the stupid liars and crazy people in my family are driving me nuts. i don't know what to do anymore. i can't be the one to do this. why do i have to be the one to grow up so fast and why are all the adults being children? this is not the way my life is supposed to be. i am taking my life by the reins and chosing my own destiny. yes, ultimately it is God who chooses that but I am not going to let some peope have effect on me. Sunday night i went to church with Kristin and the sermon was about revelation. it was a great sermon considering my current situation. i know my grandmother is in heaven. she was not perfect. i know this. but that woman was a saint for putting up with my grandfather and her daughters. they have put her through hell and now i see how bad it is. she was a wonderful woman and i am in great debt to her for all the wonderful things she has done for me. i know she and my granny are in heaven now at some big slot machine and playing cards cause that is what they each loved to to. i know i will see them both some day but i wonder if my memaw will see her husband or her children. or does she even want to. yes she loved them more than anything in this world but the things these people did dilberatly to her is something no one should ever have to go through. i want more than anything to see her happy. i know she is happy now. i just want to take a day that i don't have someone breathing down my neck. or someone telling me what i need to do. or lies. gosh i am so sick of lies. i am a very honest person and do not appreciated what these people are doing to me or the other people who love them. but that is all for now. get some of my frustrations out.

july 5

so today makes it only 19 days til my birthday! woooo. i am always very excited about birthdays. it doesn't have to be mine.. i just love celebrating. a friend of the family turns 21 on 7-7-07. we told him to go to the casino! he has got to have some luck in there somewhere! but 20 won't be much but celebrating with the family. dad and i talked about going to a frisco roughriders game. i love baseball and since the rangers can't seem to win i will settle for soem aaa ball.

yesterday was the fourth, of course, and we had some people out last night. cooked fish and shot plenty of fireworks. no pictures as of right now because i forgot my camera.. but soon enough. i really enjoyed the compnay and a few people brought their kids. they played frisby in the yard and got plenty muddy! but you could tell they were having a great time. i talked to jill most of the day. i went to high scchool with her but she and i were never really friends and then last night we just talked and talked. always good to find new friends. i do have to say that i love my oldies.

life... well i hope is looking up. everytime i think maybe it gets a little bit better soemthing seems to happen to say nope... don't get up yet!! i had a very pleasant conversation with my mother the other day. i was very excited. our conversations are few and far between but i am trying. it is hard to talk to her because it seems as if all she wants to talk about is the bad situation. but i am a posative person and i want to look in the good of it all. i am hoping she will get out of this situation and if it takes some drastic measures i am willing to take them. i just want her life to be better... and mine as well. some of the things she has done in the past has hurt me so bad. but i can't dwell on the past.

on a better note... i talked to my borther in iraq. it seems he is doing well and will be home in a few months. VERY EXCITED! i just hope he stays safe between now and then.

that's all for now. pictures will come soon! :)

kaci loves her stuffed animals and to get into the spirit of things we watched happy feet on the way to the aquarium!

hello! well. it's almost july the fourth! i am very excited about this holiday! our family will be cooking and shooting fireworks since the large display from our town decided to cancel from rain. i never knew it could be too wet for fire works!! GRR! but we move forward and will have a wonderful time at home.

this past weekend we took a little road trip to dallas to go to the childrens agquarium. it was so exciting! we got to watch them feed alligators and penguins.